Fibromyalgia: Learning to Live in the Moment

Being conscientious has its drawbacks when one suffers from fibromyalgia.  There is just so much to worry about.  When you have a disease that can dismantle you without a moment's notice, you do tend to worry.  Thoughts such as:

How long can I work?
Will I be able to support my family?
Will I ever be able to enjoy a full life again?
I hope I can't get through this afternoon's meeting with out a flare-up.
Will I make my daughter's show this weekend ?
Can I attempt dinner this evening?

All come masquerading as good causes to a mind that wants action.  A mind that is still alive and provokes reason because at that moment it can't connect with a body that is drained and pained. So, for fibro suffers, life is rarely grounded in the moment, but always looking at the future of what needs to be done.  After all, who wants to live in the moment if that moment is causing pain and you are unable to attend to the very things that need doing?

But drifting off into that future constantly is draining.  If you can't do it now, thinking about it produces more energy that is then depleted quickly by your body promoting fatigue.  A fatigue that is often rested through sleep or a good book.  Then sadly, the same fatigue that promotes idleness and more frustration due to inability.  

Recently, trying to gain a better perspective and get a handle on my financial obligations, I was bestowed with a second job.   A job that would be fruitful should I choose to accept it.  But, nonetheless, a job that would promote more stress into a life I am trying to de stress.  So, a friend gave me some great advice,

You can't think about next year and how this will benefit you.  You need to put your health first.  Think about today- now and what feels best for you at this moment.  You don't know what will fall in your lap again by next year."

I was dumbfounded thinking about a statement I actually preach to others, but rarely apply to myself.  I decided to delve into more research online.  I wanted to know the consequences of doing two jobs in a community I am now a part.  What I found out shocked me.  Many individuals who suffer from fibromyalgia don't even have one job.  Furthermore, those that take on two jobs decline rapidly and are often left on SSI.  Many notes addressed the fact that if you are a sufferer, your basic job should be calming and enjoyable lest you fall ill again.  Gosh, how many letters I read of those who felt good enough to return to work, and only three years later suffered another relapse for some unknown causes.  A relapse so profound they urged others to tread carefully when attempting an ambitious career.

These letters were from the heart, from individuals who self-worth relied on income and being in the work force. They were out pleading their case in hopes someone else will not make the same driven mistake they had.  As I sat contemplating, I realized, I am always living in the future.  It is the future of hope and defiance that I'll receive my life's dream if I push hard enough.  A hope that has dwindled now that I realize life throws us curve balls sometimes.  And even if they look like good throws, I don't have to stand there and catch them.  After all, when those balls happen to accelerate at you at a fast pace, you need to duck unless you have the right glove.  You duck and you move on.  You don't dwell wondering how you could have saved the ball with your bare hands possibly fracturing a few fingers.  You live at that  moment and move on to the next base that is open.

At this point I am living for the moment.  I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that I am not going to waste energy thinking about it when I can use that energy to do something right now I am able to do.