​One of the biggest challenges women face is learning how to care for themselves while caring for others. It requires a delicate balance between what often feels like polar opposites. I’ve spent a lifetime studying self-care. And I’ve come to the conclusion that good self-care is the single most important aspect of our health, period.

The programming of self-sacrifice leads ultimately to health-destroying sentiments, such as guilt, resentment, anger, and other emotions linked to high levels of stress hormones. Self-sacrifice feels wrong to us on a soul level—our spirit gravitates naturally to joy and happiness.

That’s why self-sacrifice ultimately makes us sick and keeps us stuck in dead-end situations—and why its opposite, self-care, is so essential to living a happy, healthy life. How well we care for ourselves as adult women is determined in part by how well our mothers cared for us (and themselves). Ultimately, however, it’s our responsibility to learn how to optimally care for ourselves regardless of what happened (or didn’t) with our mothers. We refine this process throughout our entire lives.

The key is knowing in your heart that the best way you can care for others is by caring for yourself. I know this requires a paradigm shift for many of you!

Despite what you’ve been brought up to believe, caring for oneself is not an example of a zero sum model (where your gain is someone else’s loss).

Everyone benefits from a woman who knows how to care for herself.

Self-care sustains and enhances the health of all those around you. The flight attendants are right when they say: You have to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Seven Easy Steps to Better Self-Care

Here’s a simple, up-to-date blueprint for enhancing your health through self-care:

Step 1. Tap into the stream of healing energy regularly.

Your body is connected to a healing stream of energy (also known as chi, prana, light, Source, and God) that you can absorb at will. All you need to do is be aware of it and be open to receive it! This is the basis for the healing power of prayer.

My favorite prayer service is Silent Unity. Silent Unity has volunteers who will pray with you and then pray continuously for 30 days. Tell the volunteer your concerns by phone or email, any hour of the day or night, and they will pray with you.  

Another particularly powerful way to absorb this healing energy is through Divine Love petitions as taught by Robert Fritchie, founder of www.worldserviceinstitute.org. Divine Love is the most powerful energy in the universe. You receive it into your body through your thymus gland, located just below your sternum.

To do a quick Divine Love petition for yourself, sit with arms and legs uncrossed. Now say the following petition out loud:

With my Spirit, and the angels help, I focus Divine Love throughout my system. I ask my Spirit to identify every situation and cause that separates me from the Creator. I release to the Creator all of these situations and causes. I ask that the Creator heal my system according to the Divine will. 

Now, close your mouth, draw in your breath through your nose. Hold it for several seconds. And pulse it out through your nose like you’re blowing your nose. That releases the petition. Throughout the day stay connected to the Divine by saying “I accept Divine Love.”  This practice – which is free to anyone- has been associated with many well-documented physical and emotional healings that conventional medicine cannot explain.

Step 2. Know that you are your own best mother.

Treat yourself like an ideal mother would by talking to yourself in a wonderful, nurturing way and providing for yourself that which you wish you had received from your own mother. For example, say to yourself, “Darling, I see that you’re tired. Why don’t you lie down and take a nice nap. When you get up, we’ll have a nice cup of hot tea” or “I see that you need a break. How about a nice hot bath and a good book.” You get the picture.

Step 3. Do something pleasurable each and every day.

Taking time for pleasure and fun decreases the stress hormones cortisol and adrenalin, which, over time, are responsible for heart disease, cancer, and most chronic diseases such as arthritis and high blood pressure. Plus when you take time for enjoyment, you’ll be able to approach arduous tasks with more energy and a better outlook.

Step 4. Breathe deeply and fully on a regular basis.

Breathing in fully through your nose instantly engages the rest and restore parasympathetic nervous system and helps the body metabolize stress hormones. Put Post-it notes on your phone, your computer, and your bathroom mirror. Write BREATHE in beautiful letters that uplift and remind you to breathe fully.

Step 5. Get support for self-care.

Find a self-care buddy and agree that each of you will hold the other accountable for taking care of herself. Start with my suggestions and add your own ideas. Brag to each other about how well you’re doing and especially how well you are caring for yourself. Plan to call your friend whenever you start to slip into over-care of others.

Step 6. Use the incredible power of no.

When someone asks you to do something you don’t really want to do, say NO! This is especially important if saying “no” makes you feel guilty or unworthy. In most cases this means you’re letting the needs of others overshadow your own. Only you know how much you can handle without over-committing. Over time, you’ll strengthen your “no” muscle and also attract friends who support your need to set healthy boundaries. Remember, saying “no” to someone else usually means saying “yes” to yourself!

Step 7. Don’t wait for permission to start taking care of yourself.

Believe me, no one is going to give it to you, although I know how much you desperately want someone to do so! How well I remember being on call in the hospital watching the nurses give each other breaks. I yearned for one of my colleagues to give me permission to take a break after being up all night. But no one did because the culture of medicine (particularly a surgical specialty) is so macho. I ended up with a huge breast abscess that dissected into my chest wall while I was trying to nurse my first daughter and work full-time. I learned a huge lesson about self-care—and also destroyed my ability to nurse my second child from both breasts!

Taking care of yourself regularly takes courage in our society. Far too many women get sick because it’s the only socially acceptable way to get the self-care they require. I think we can do better, don’t you?

Prepare to be called “selfish” when you start taking better care of yourself. And when someone calls you that, celebrate! (Then call your self-care buddy to brag about it!) After all, taking care of yourself is prevention at the most fundamental level. And it sure beats getting sick. (For those of you who claim that you don’t have time to take care of yourself, think again. Do you really have time to get sick? And will dying prematurely really be the best way to take care of your loved ones?)

Your Body, Your TempleAs you may know by now, you are a Soul. You are not your body. But you do have a body. And it is your job to take care of that body until you leave it. The same way you take care of your house or your car. This is your responsibility—it doesn’t belong to your doctor, your spouse, or your mother. It’s that simple.

Taking care of your body means, first and foremost, having a healthy belief system about what’s possible physically—especially as you move through time. And, you must engage in the physical activities necessary to maintain your physical self.

6 More Ways to Care for Yourself

1. Change your beliefs. Optimal care of your body begins with your beliefs. Every thought you think is accompanied by biochemical signals that move throughout your body. Serotonin, dopamine, and epinephrine are neurotransmitters that affect all areas of your body, and their production is based on what you think and feel. Stressful thoughts filled with anger, fear, or sadness increase stress-hormone levels in your body, which ultimately leads to cellular inflammation—the root cause of osteoporosis, depression, diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, and cancer. But this isn’t the only way your thoughts affect your health. They can literally determine which genes get expressed! It’s important to know and believe that your body was designed for health, vitality, and well-being for your entire life.

1. Treat yourself like a precious child. Self care is something that our society does not reward us for. In fact, it is often looked down on when someone, especially a woman, takes care of herself. I was reminded of this recently when I was watching my granddaughter, Penelope.   I was cleaning up the living room and realized that she was hungry.  So of course I stopped to take care of her — I would never starve my granddaughter.  Yet, I have certainly done this to myself!  Learning to treat ourselves the way we would a precious child connects us with our Divinity. You can practice this by doing simple things such as using the rest room when you have the urge, or eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. It also helps to set out a meal for yourself on a plate and actually sit down and enjoy it versus eating on the run while in your car or standing at the kitchen counter.

1. See your body as a temple for your soul. We are beings of light.  Our bodies are the densest, darkest matter.  When you see your body as a temple for your soul and treat it with love, and kindness and respect, you are bringing light into the darkest area.

1. Make gravity work for you. Sitting for more than six hours a day increases your risk of disease including heart attack, stroke, diabetes, obesity, and cancer. In fact, even if you exercise regularly, prolonged sitting cancels out a lot of the good effects. Standing all day is not the answer. The answer is moving your body through the gravitational field of the earth. Every time you move your body through gravity your body goes through thousands of minute physiologic changes in blood pressure, fluid exchange, hormone secretion, and stresses on bones and joints that help ensure health. So, if you sit at a desk, get up at least six times per hour. But if you can, it’s always best to add in something more such as stretching, knee bends or even squats. And remember, since the soul knows no timeline, it’s never too late to try some activity you have always wanted to do – dance, ride horses, ski, hike – whatever will keep you moving.

1. Take Care of Your Fascia. Fascia is the connective tissue that runs throughout your body. It connects skin to muscle and muscle to bone and every organ in the body. Our fascial network is a secondary nervous system. It can become dense, scarred, and thickened as a result of physical, emotional, or mental stress. Working your fascia regularly through body work, resistance flexibility, yoga, and other exercises can help you release old patterns that are stored there.

1. Feel Your Human Emotions. Being a spiritual being on a human journey requires that we feel human emotions. But, with spiritual practices becoming very popular, so too is the practice of taking a “spiritual bypass” to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved wounds and developmental needs. A spiritual bypass looks something like this: “It’s all good.” “Everything happens for a reason.”  “Spiritual people don’t cry or have negative feelings.” “If you feel sad, you’re not spiritual enough.” While this may seem better than using alcohol or drugs, it has the same effect. Being a human being on a spiritual path requires that you are present in each moment for all of your feelings without letting those feelings define you.  Now, this does not mean that you want to stay in a perpetual state of anger, victimhood, grief or sadness.  These emotions lower your vibration.  It simply means you allow your emotions to surface and embrace them fully without judgment, and then allow full expression of those emotions safely.  That is the only way to deal with them successfully. Your soul actually learns from this process of deep awareness and release. (Every other approach — drugs, alcohol, spiritual bypass — just digs them in deeper.)  - Dr. Christiane Northrup

At this point in time I'm certain you noticed a direct correlation on your well-being and your body's response to pain.  When you are in a state of euphoria, your body compensates and enhances your pain mechanism reducing flare ups.  Living in chronic pain can be overwhelming some days, but there are steps you have at your fingertips to reduce these occurrences.

 Many fibromyalgia patients have a history of chronic stress, often due to overloading their schedules and taking on too much responsibility for other people such as family members. A high number of fibromyalgia patients are young women who have “Type A” personalities and who lead ambitious, busy, 
stressful lives. Men with fibromyalgia often have worked in jobs that have resulted in physical job-related stress.

For fibromyalgia patients, stress can also make the condition worse and can trigger particular physical symptoms. People who suffer from fibromyalgia often have trouble knowing their personal limitations, which can make it hard for them to know when they are in danger of overexerting themselves. When fibromyalgia patients physically overexert themselves, this can often lead to increased stress, which results in increased pain. 

A vicious cycle can easily develop because pain can lead to more stress, which, in turn, can lead to more pain. For this reason, stress management is a key factor in alleviating fibromyalgia flare ups.  In order to do so, we must learn to relax, and learning comes easily if you understand Deep Belly Breathing.  Deep breathing can clarify your mind, and get you back to center stage quickly.  It can be done THROUGHOUT 
the day, EVERY DAY.  Follow the guided steps below and seek peace again.

Begin by getting yourself some stickers, such as those rounded bingo stickers.  Find your favorite color.  That rounded marker will be your best friend in upcoming weeks.  Begin placing those rounded markers throughout your life.  On your dash, computer, kitchen stove, door way, and such will remind you when and 
where to do your Deep Belly Breathing.  This little indicator will make your thoughts shut down for the moment as you begin a few deep breaths.  The most amazing thing is this little exercise will bring you immediate relief.  Go ahead, give it a shot, and regain clarity.

Deep Belly Breathing Guided Practice

1.  Begin by lying in a comfortable position away from family and friends.
2.  Place one hand on your chest and one on our stomach.
3.  Breathe, notice if you are a chest breather.  If so, you are harboring stress daily and not letting the body let go.  Breathe deeper until you feel your stomach rising.  This is the essence of Deep Belly Breathing.  Take note and breathe this deep when you do the exercise elsewhere.
4.  Inhale for the count of five and exhale slowly to the count of ten.  Breathe in and out slowly, deeply, evenly.  
5.  Repeat four times.
6. During this exercise get a favorite image: a beach, the woods, a field of flowers, Paris.  Place yourself there while breathing.
7.  Imagine the waves or wind taking out the stress each time you exhale depending on your place of choice.

*Do this anywhere.  When you look at your sticker, and feel stress, begin to breathe and imagine.........

“Practicing regular, mindful breathing can be calming and energizing and can even help with stress-related health problems ranging from panic attacks to digestive disorders.”
Andrew Weil, M.D.

Since breathing is something we can control and regulate, it is a useful tool for achieving a relaxed and clear state of mind. I recommend the following breathing exercise to help relax and reduce stress: The 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise (also called the Relaxing Breath). Try each of this breathing technique and see how it affects your stress and anxiety levels. Begin by doing four repetitions each time and include this exercise into your routine twice a day.  Try it especially if you wake in the middle of the night.  

This breathing exercise is utterly simple, takes almost no time, requires no equipment and can be done anywhere. Although you can do the exercise in any position, sit with your back straight while learning the exercise. Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire exercise. You will be exhaling through your mouth around your tongue; try pursing your lips slightly if this seems awkward.

• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four.
• Hold your breath for a count of seven.
• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight.
• This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

Note that with this breathing technique, you always inhale quietly through your nose and exhale audibly through your mouth. The tip of your tongue stays in position the whole time. Exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation. The absolute time you spend on each phase is not important; the ratio of 4:7:8 is important. If you have trouble holding your breath, speed the exercise up but keep to the ratio of 4:7:8 for the three phases. With practice you can slow it all down and get used to inhaling and exhaling more and more deeply.

This breathing exercise is a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system. Unlike tranquilizing drugs, which are often effective when you first take them but then lose their power over time, this exercise is subtle when you first try it, but gains in power with repetition and practice. Do it at least twice a day. You cannot do it too frequently. Do not do more than four breaths at one time for the first month of practice. Later, if you wish, you can extend it to eight breaths. If you feel a little lightheaded when you first breathe this way, do not be concerned; it will pass.

Once you develop this technique by practicing it every day, it will be a very useful tool that you will always have with you. Use it whenever anything upsetting happens – before you react. Use it whenever you are aware of internal tension or stress. Use it to help you fall asleep. This exercise cannot be recommended too highly. Everyone can benefit from it. - Dr. Weil
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Watch a video of Dr. Weil demonstrating the 4-7-8 Breath.

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt so stressed that you feel like jumping out of your skin to help save your sanity? Do you lie down to rest, recharge, and restore only to have your head completing mind flips in process? You will be  pleased to discover that there is a strategy you can use to reduce stress and improve your health at the same time! This strategy is easy and convenient, and it is called 5 Breaths to Sanity.

5 Breaths to Sanity is a breathing exercise that involves manipulating the breath in ways that bring about certain feelings on an emotional level.
It is designed for:

• Developing the mind and the body
• Helping you enter a state of meditation
• Relaxing your mind

No matter what emotion you are trying to achieve with this breathing exercise, the beauty is that it does not cost you a thing and it can be done anywhere at anytime.

There are no hard and fast rules stipulating when to do this breathing exercise. It really depends when you need it most to bring your frazzled nerves in order. 
You can use this  breathing exercise at any moment to:

• Achieve a state of calm
• Reduce stress in tense situations
• Wind down at the end of the day or before bed

When you are having a tough day at work or dealing with conflict, you can use these calming breaths to help reduce stress. Sit back, close your eyes, and take these deep breaths.

Whatever the duration, 5 Breaths to Sanity can bring you many health benefits, including:

• Reducing your blood pressure
• Calming your nerves
• Tightening your core muscles
• Aid in better digestion
• Aid in the elimination of waste and toxins
• Bring you higher levels of energy
• Increase your awareness of the functions within your body
• Reduce stress

Your own results will depend upon the type and frequency of this breathing exercise. The only individuals who should take extreme caution are those with respiratory issues. Always check with your physician before attempting these exercises.

5 Breaths to Sanity

1. Get into a comfortable position either lying on your back or sitting. If you are sitting down, make sure that you keep your back as straight as you can and let your shoulders relax and drop.

2. Close your eyes. Begin breathing through your nose only.

3. Breathe as you normally would for a few cycles. Check yourself. Is your belly riding and falling with every breath in and breath out? If you can answer “yes,” that is what you seek. If this is not the case, you will need to practice some with your hands on you chest and belly respectively until you can get the desired result. It takes practice.
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4. Once you have the rhythm, continue as long as you need focusing on the air moving through your nose.

5. Then start the process.  Breathe in on the slow count of five, hold for the slow count of five, release slowly on the count of five.  

6. Repeat five times.

I have had days when my nerves were so completely frazzled that sleep was a distant friend.  After 5 Breaths to Sanity (sometimes repeated) I drifted off so completely and soundly that I had no recollection of tossing in the morning!

Now that you're beginning to to understand the benefits of Somatic Breathing exercises, you can go further to open up the pathways of movement and flow in your body.  

Take a few moments to connect with the overall sense of your body.  How would you describe your sense on the right side of your body with the left side?  

If both sides of your body feel equally comfortable or uncomfortable you may want to try the Circle Breath. Circle Breathing utilizes the entire body in one breath to relax.

Circle Breathing

1. Ask your body for permission to explore.
2. Close your eyes and begin a deep, slow, consistent breath.
3. Look inside your body for an area free of pain (could be your ear, forearm).
4. Relish in the sensation of this pain free area.
5. Now allow yourself to feel where your body hurts.

1. Begin the Circle Breath: Breathe up the middle of your body to the top of your head.
2. As you breath out, sense your breath moving down the back of your head, neck, mid-back, and through your lower back and out through your tailbone.  Imagine your breath cascading down both sides of your legs.
3. Repeat several times.  

If you've been practicing your somatic breathing exercises throughout the day it is certain you've experienced some relief of pain.  It’s based on the fact that there is a “feedback loop” between your muscles and your brain.  Healthy  relaxation of a muscle depends on the integrity of communication throughout this loop. The muscle and its tendons are loaded with nerve sensors that tell the brain what the muscle is doing.  The brain has a “sensory” part, which “feels,” and a “motor” part, which “drives” (controls) the muscle.

One important intervention to add to your routine is the power of curiosity to help interrupt that fear factor that often marks the first downward slide into the pit of pain. If we learn to sustain a playful and mindful focus on the sensations of our body, then we stop waiting for our worst fears to be fulfilled.  Instead, we begin to discover how our somatic experiences feed into each other and how better patterns can be set.  


Ground Yourself

1. Begin somatic breathing with long, slow breaths.
2. Feel your body relax in a lying or sitting position.
3. Get a sense of your feet and how they are connected to the earth.  How do they feel on the couch or bed? Gently shift your weight from foot to foot.
4. Now explore your calves and thighs.  Notice the connection to your feet.  Is there a difference between the right or left leg?
5. Allow your body to shift to any other area that is requiring your attention.  What does it feel like?  Can you add words to describe it?  Tight, loose, blocked, flowing, tingly, congested, heavy, empty, cold, or warm? Try to shift away from the usual description like sore and painful.   Zero in on the type of pain or uncomfortable feeling you are sensing.  
6. Allow your sensations to be drawn to an area of the body that feels whole and complete.
7. Let your mind wander about your body in places that require attention.  Be sure to shift back to areas that are pain free to gently remind yourself this is what you want to experience.  As you do, ask yourself these questions: What kinds of sensations are associated with being stuck?  What part is this part of my body touching?  How does this feel to me?  Can I feel any vibrations in my body?  Can I hear or sense anything here?  
8. Continue for as long as you like.

Somatic Breathing Therapy is a form of conscious breathing that teaches you to breathe fully and freely and helps you:

• Get more oxygen to your body and brain
• Recharge your energy
• Reduce stress
• Integrate issues from the past
• Focus your attention
• Relax
• Alleviate pain

It also helps you step back from emotional reactions and access the intelligence of your own body-mind, and establish new patterns and responses in your life. It offers an increased freedom of expression, and a connection to your true self as well as an overall feeling of personal empowerment.

Pain is often the reason an individual will explore Somatic Breathing.  Pain is a signal to let us know that we have been injured or ill.  Pain is also from tension and discomfort caused by how we respond to stress.  In its ultimate form, pain is an essential part of our natural survival system, warning us that something is wrong and motivating us to give our body urgent attention.  Yet, at this point in our journey we want nothing to do with this bazaar signaling response.  

The first stepping stone to Somatic Breathing is an invitation or permission to simply explore your own body. This is often the last thing a sufferer of fibromyalgia may want to to do.  After all, days are spent subliminally hovering over your own domain brandishing any connection with pain.  Yet, in order to understand what is happening to your body, this is the first and essential component that must be proceeded with caution to get to the root of the problem.  

Try the following exercise each day

1. Ask your body for permission to explore.
2. Close your eyes and begin a deep, slow, consistent breath.
3. Look inside your body for an area free of pain (could be your ear, forearm).
4. Relish in the sensation of this pain free area.
5. Now allow yourself to feel where your body hurts.
6. Take this at your own pace. If one area hurts too much, find another more tolerable area.
7. Focus on that area and allow that area to expand, take up as much space as needed.  Don't try to change anything.
8. Continue breathing.
9. Next, return to the pain free area sensing as you breathe in and out.
10. Repeat this process several times by shifting back and forth through various areas in your body.  
11. Send your breath to all those painful areas you sense.

This is a pain relief process and builds over time.  You must consistently work this breathing exercise into your daily routine to feel substantial effects.  It is simple and can be done when you wake in the morning and retire for the evening.  As you continue your practice your "pain-free" areas will begin to expand.