I sat in prayer for some time this morning staring at my ceiling. Watching the blades on the fan propelling around above I couldn't help but think how it applies to my life at the moment. How much it's changed, at times rotating in circles beyond my control. There are days I work from one task to the next not completing the initial assignment, conveniently forgetting (or so it seems) to follow through. Days like these are frustrating and at times begin to run together offering no end in sight. So do the areas of pain on my body. At times I feel rejuvenated, ready to tackle some unforeseen force as it tries to engulf my body. Other times, I'd rather retrieve to the bedroom with a good book, and good will tidings to those I love as they attemp to complete what I am unable to do.
So I can't help but wonder in prayer, where is the silver lining to fibromyalgia? Where is that window that should be opening? In that split second of prayer I was teleported to all the positive changes I've made in my life in the last two years. In the beginning when the illness first reared its ugly head, I was bedridden for months wondering if I'd ever get out to a store again. But, slowly through diet changes, exercise, and life changes I was able to strut again. From there many other blessings began to manifest in my life.
At one time, many eons ago, I multitasked surviving from day to day trying to fulfill a dream I felt belonged to me. Actually, this vision never belonged to me, rather it belonged to all those who needed me. My needs were never a first priority on my list because my dream would have become reality. Rather, I was at the beck and call of all those members I loved the most. Trying to do my duty as provider, I felt lost, spiraling out of control meeting anyone else's desires but my own. Furthermore, my work environment offered no reprive. I had staff members that relied on a paycheck to meet the needs of their own families. All these situational occurrences of life left me drain, fighting for a fresh breath of air, and unable to sleep well most evenings.
This illness put my own needs first plain and simple. After all, how could I take care of others if I was unable to get out of my own bed? I had to begin my own self recovery before I was able to help anyone else who depended on me. This brought about some amazing blessings. First of all, I began to take stock in the things I enjoyed. I found by transforming my thoughts to pleasurable ones, my body began to heal. In doing so, I found many new desirable activities that I incorporated into my life each day. I began writing blogs. I found that if I wrote when I first woke, my pain seemed to vanish. I was immersed in and activity that was truly enjoyable to me. From this writing I am able to secure a second income that looks more appealing than being in a stress filled job each day. And, furthermore, I love what I'm doing now!
Look at how many individuals out there who NEVER take care of their own inner child. How many people do you know who exist from day to day checking off their to do lists only to lay exhausted each night in bed wondering if they fulfilled their quota? My days are no longer full of check lists. I make lists, but they are list that are attainable and full of joy for me. I am always on the constant look out as to what I can do that day that will bring me pleasure which will stop my pain. Oh, this didn't come about in days or months of my illness, it took years of training. Training that TRAINED me to think of me first. Once I began thinking of me first, I was able to help others.
I found my silver lining in life. "Do what you enjoy and don't feel pressured about the things that truly don't matter." My days are filled with contentment. Something that was unattainable before now matter how hard I looked.